Beyonce Heat

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am in a long-standing, committed relationship with Beyonce Knowles. I am probably one of three people on the planet (me, my best friend J, and I am generously assuming that there is at least one other person) who owns "Austin Powers 3: Goldmember", in which Beyonce played "Foxxy Cleopatra". That movie actually came out on my birthday, because Beyonce is very thoughtful that way. Also, I love that she appears to be wearing Princess Leah's gold bikini for the duration of the movie.

I'm Foxxy Cleopatra, and I'm a whoooole lot of woman!

How do I love thee, B? The woman is insanely beautiful, and even more insanely talented. No contemporary singer can touch Beyonce vocally. Me, J and Michelle Obama (we went in separate cars, but still) went to a Beyonce concert this summer, and I have honestly never heard such a beautiful voice in my life. Her acting skills have also come a long way since Goldmember. People seem to have mixed views on "Dreamgirls"; I think that she was incredible. Beyonce is currently aspiring to add "perfumer" to her very long list of talents, with her new perfume "Heat". I picked up a sample at Macy's, and I have a few thoughts, the first being "I do not want to be packing this particular Heat" and the second "Keep your day job, honey."

First off, the ad is laughably bad. The catchphrase, "Catch the Fever", makes it sound like some sort of STD or possibly swine flu. Also, it is beyond me how they were able to make such a gorgeous woman look so freaking terrible. I think it may have something to do with that satin... thing she's wearing. Beyonce, please tell me this is not what you meant by your "Freakum Dress". Get this girl some Armani couture!

See? Much better!

"Heat" is a yawn-inducingly generic combination of very sweet fruity notes (in this case, peach) with an amber-lite drydown. It is very reminiscent of the limited-edition fragrances that Escada puts out each year (Rockin' Rio, Pacific Paradise, etc.). Heat is in no way unpleasant, but it is far from worthy of the Queen B. Heat is more of a Ciara than a Beyonce (Ciara being a similarly gorgeous R&B singer with a far weaker voice). I think it's telling that Beyonce has often told interviewers, "I don't wear perfume." B, you know I'm very committed to our relationship, but I must tell you that perhaps someone who doesn't wear perfume should not be designing it. Quite frankly, no perfume might be better than this.