Golden Globes Beauty/Why Kate Hudson Needs To Stop

In my heart, I have always believed that the Golden Globes are completely superfluous. I mean, we already have the Oscars, you know? But I will not let my personal beliefs stand in the way of reviewing the looks from last night, dear readers. I would never do that to you.

First up is Christina Aguilera. Now, I do feel that the liner on her lower lashline is too thick. But OH MY GOD is this a massive improvement. Y'all, remember the Stripped days? Some of Christina's best music ("Beautiful", "Dirrty") was on the Stripped album, but she was also going through that really weird phase where she talked a lot about how she had been abused by her father, and it was really clear that underneath her insanely over-the-top sexuality were some pretty intense daddy issues, and that was sort of uncomfortable for everyone involved. Also, she dressed like she worked at a strip club that was located in a dumpster.

The skankiness of Stripped-era Christina was such that Snooki, the impossibly trashy-yet-delightful midget from Jersey Shore, is often compared to her.

So while her makeup may not have been perfect at the Globes, I think that we can all agree that Christina is Most Improved 2010.

Next is Lindsay Lohan. I am not ashamed to admit my feelings for Lohan. I have loved her ever since Parent Trap. I loved her in that movie where Tyra Banks was a Barbie doll. When everyone said that she was a cokehead, I supported her. When she decided she was kind-of-but-not-really a lesbian, I supported her. Lindsay has rewarded my unflagging support by dying her gorgeous red hair a horrific shade of blonde, refusing to appear in an actual good movie, and generally acting a fool. It's common knowledge that Marilyn Monroe is Lindsay's biggest role model, but I think that she emulates Marilyn for the wrong reasons (the drama, the drugs). That being said, it is very nice to see her out and about A) wearing a dress that fully covers her breasts, B) seemingly drug-free, C) smiling! and D) actually looking quite cute. Now just dye your hair back and we're in business.

Halle Berry looks like her usual fabulous self. The woman simply does not age. Her eye makeup is a bit dark for my tastes.

Actress and comedian Mo'nique. Disclaimer: I have not seen Precious, only the trailers. I have heard it is incredible and am dying to see it. Anyway, Mo'nique's makeup is a good example of how lovely neutral colors can look on black women.

Amy Poehler is my very favorite female comedian. I even like her better than I like Tina Fey, which is a lot. She looks just beautiful, but the pink lips are all wrong for a red dress. Learn from her mistake, queridos.

Jennifer Aniston, you are aging supremely well. No one can argue with your makeup, which is a textbook example of how navy eyeliner can look really lovely with blue eyes. I do, however, take issue with your hair. It is messy. I understand that you have been unemployed ever since Friends ended, and that might be kind of depressing, but you are still richer than I will ever be so cheer up and brush your damn hair.

Zoe Saldana here played Uhura in the new Star Trek movie, which I have seen no less than 6 times because it is fantastic. My one complaint is that in this new version, Uhura is all into Spock, which is ridiculous because everyone knows that she confessed her feelings for Scotty in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. I have no such complaints about Zoe's makeup. She looks stunning, and I love those soft waves.

Calista Flockhart, Han Solo/Indiana Jones is holding your umbrella. He also appears to have his ear pierced, which is nothing short of awesome. Would it kill you to smile? I also think that you could have benefitted from some lipstick.

Every awards show, without fail, Heidi Klum wears an eyeshadow color that I think is too light and frosty for her skin tone. This time it's not as bad as years past, and besides, she always looks so happy and smiley, unlike someone we know (AHEM, Calista Flockhart).

Okay, Kate Hudson. Your makeup is essentially fine, although your lipstick is too frosty and your forehead is a shade too orange. Your hair is also a bit brassy. HOWEVER. Your attitude is hideous. Your overly smug facial expression in this picture is what is commonly referred to as "bitchface". It is all too obvious that you think that you're the hottest thing in town. I have news for you, Kate Hudson. You are a cute girl, but you are a mediocre actress and there is no way in hell that you would be in any way famous if your mother wasn't Goldie Hawn. You were by far the weakest link in the movie Nine. When Fergie, who isn't even an actress, shows you up, it is probably time to go home.

Speaking of Fergie-Ferg, I can no longer hold my silence. Fergie looked very, very pretty last night. I never noticed how blue her eyes are; the gorgeous color of her dress really made them pop. But did she look happy? Far from it. Homegirl looked MISERABLE, not to mention way too skinny. Also, please observe this picture of her and her cheating scumbag of a husband.

I'm sorry, but if that's not a fake smile I don't know what is. You are better than this, Fergie. You are famous for such musical masterpieces as "Where Is The Love", "Boom Boom Pow", "Let's Get It Started", "Pump It", "My Humps", and of course, "Fergalicious". It actually blows my mind how many hits you have had. He is famous for "Win a Date with Todd Hamilton!" LEAVE HIS SORRY ASS.

You're so right, Nicole Kidman. We should ALL be saluting, because your return to red hair is the best news I've heard in a long time. It looks absolutely stunning and so much more natural than that icky blonde. Can you please adopt Lindsay Lohan? I think you would be a great influence on her. Wouldn't that be great, you guys? Nicole would gently but firmly push Lindsay to hone her acting craft, and she would finally live up to the potential that we always knew she had, and maybe in a few years she could star in Moulin Rouge 2: Christian and Satine Totally Had A Love Child or something along those lines. Also, I love the color of your dress.

In my opinion, Marion Cotillard had the most daring makeup of the night. It's always a risk to focus more on the bottom lashline than the top. That soft blue eyeshadow is a very pretty color. Do I think that she would have looked even better if the top line had been equally thick? Yes, I do. But I cannot deny that she looks stunning and I applaud her for consistently taking risks in her makeup and fashion choices (although her fashion risk tonight was not quite as successful).

Again, I did not see Precious. But I have read several interviews of its star, Gabourey Sidibe, and I am astounded by her self-assurance and maturity. I was particularly delighted by this quote: "People trip over themselves to tell me I'm beautiful. It's cute. It's cute, but I'm not buying it. I'm beautiful now because you can buy a ticket to see me on a screen? I was beautiful before."* PREACH, Gabourey. She is indeed beautiful, which is why I was so frustrated when I saw this picture of her. In no way does this dress do her justice. It reminds me of a Project Runway challenge where the designers had to dress ordinary women, and the whining was ENDLESS. Designers, if you don't know how to design well for women over size zero, you are probably not a very good designer.

Julianne Moore, I love it when you wear emeralds. Maybe some lipstick next time?

I'm gonna go ahead and say it: Olivia Wilde had the best makeup of the night. She looks incredibly sexy without a hint of sleaze. Fantastic eyeliner, great choice of lipcolor. Now if only I knew who she was.

Finally, I have compiled the pictures of all of the celebrities (Mariah Carey, Penelope Cruz, Leona Lewis) who might have looked fine if they hadn't tanned themselves to a color that I believe Crayola calls "burnt sienna". Queridos, I appreciate that these women are fake-tanning rather than actually tanning. Sun damage is the single greatest cause of damage to skin. I wear sunscreen every single day and I encourage all of you to do the same. But until fake-tanning technology has developed to the extent that the orange color is no longer an issue, just say no, queridos.

* Gabourey Sidibe quote is from jezebel.com.

All photos are from http://justjared.buzznet.com/.

What was Josh Duhamel Even Famous For Again?

Merry Belated Christmas, my dear readers! I hope that your Christmases were filled with joy and all-American values. As for myself, I took part in the time-honored Christmas tradition of Jewish families going to the movies because nothing else is open. I saw "Nine", a musical, which I liked quite a bit, although if you ask me Kate Hudson was totally unnecessary, because frankly that woman is obnoxious. I understand that apparently her mother Goldie Hawn was very charming, but as far as I am concerned the only child of a celebrity who is in any way tolerable is Sean Astin, mostly because he autographed my copy of "The Goonies".

It looks pretty much like this, except for the part where SEAN ASTIN AUTOGRAPHED IT.

Anyway, I bring up Nine because one of the characters had some pretty fierce makeup action going on. Check up on it:

Hmmm, that's actually not exactly the look I was thinking of, Fergie-Ferg, although I did very much enjoy your performance as the town prostitute. It seems only fitting, considering that your husband Josh Duhamel is currently being accused of adultery by/with a number of strippers. FOR SHAME, JOSH DUHAMEL.

Wipe that smirk off your face, you shmuck.

Not that many people know this about me, but I have a somewhat unreasonable love of Fergie-Ferg. This has become sort of an issue with my boyfriend. We'll be in the car, listening to the radio, and a Fergie song will come on. Delighted, I turn the volume up and start singing. He changes the station. I change it back. He changes it again, a little more forcefully. This usually ends with at least one of us in tears.

The main reason for my love is the story of the now-legendary concert where Fergie peed her pants onstage. Let's face it, folks, that is really nothing short of awesome. And to continue to perform even after that? Talk about dedication, which apparently is a concept that her HUSBAND doesn't undestand. SPEAKING OF YOU, JOSH DUHAMEL, Sarah Ferguson is a SAINT. I would go so far as to call her the MOTHER TERESA OF OUR TIME. Feel free to quote me on that one, Ferg. Do not phunk with her heart, Josh Duhamel, or else you will no longer be mixing your milk with her coco puffs, because her lovely lady lumps are in very high demand, if you know what I mean, WHICH I THINK YOU DO. Also, please stop making Fergie so depressed that she makes terrible music. "Meet Me Halfway" is bloody awful. It's like her throat has been comfort eating.

Anyway, the real makeup inspiration in Nine was to be found on the very lovely and talented Marion Cotillard. She was working a modified Audrey Hepburn, meaning a relatively thin cat eye combined with strong brows and pink lips. Observe:

So elegant! So classy! I'm inspired, dear readers, and I will probably be (attempting to) work a similar look in the upcoming weeks. If you're interested in trying it out yourself, I highly recommend the Lancome Artliners. These are the best liquid liners on the market. However, they are vastly expensive at $29, and the liquid liner look can also be a bit harsh at times.

For these reasons, I also recommend trying gel liners, such as Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Gel Eyeliner (extremely high quality, wide range of colors, $21) or Stila Smudge Pots (much bigger size than Bobbi's, so you're getting more for your money, $20). Both of these are very good; I have worn both brands in the sweltering heat of Israeli summer and had no problems with smudging. Oh, Lancome also has a new line of gel liner, but I do not recommend anything to my readers that I have not tried myself. Gel liners can take a little work to get used to, but the end result is beautiful and looks a bit more modern than liquid liner.

Edit: I am currently trying the Kat Von D Tattoo Liner, which is available at Sephora for $18. Like the Artliners, it has a felt tip. I have had no issues with it. However, the Tattoo Liner actually only contains 0.02 ounces of product, while the Lancome eyeliner contains 0.04. So to get the same amount of product as the Lancome eyeliner, one would actually have to spend $36. If you do not wear liquid liner all that often, then 0.02 ounces may be plenty.