D&G Fragrance Anthology

Queridos, let us have a moment of silence for my friend M's makeup, which suffered a terrible death the other day. I cannot tell you exactly what happened, but it involves a lacrosse player who was apparently never properly potty-trained. Needless to say, the makeup could not be salvaged. So yesterday I accompanied M to Sephora to replace her makeup, and while I was there I used my Beauty Insider status to score samples of the new Dolce & Gabbana "Fragrance Anthology". These are five new fragrances that the dashing Dolce and Gabbana say are inspired by various tarot cards. I've been fairly excited about these, mostly because the advertisements feature Naomi Campbell and as far as I am concerned that woman can do no wrong. Seriously, she could throw her cell phone straight into my head and all I would notice is how graceful her arm movements are.

The Dolce & Gabbana brand is responsible for one of the best selling fragrances of all time, Light Blue, which came out in 2001 and remains Sephora's second bestseller nine years later. With its airy "granny smith apple" note, Light Blue is the great-grandmother of the hundreds of "fresh" women's fragrances that grace department store counters today. I regret to inform you, dear readers, that in terms of appeal (and probably success, but time will tell), there is nary a Light Blue to be found among these five new fragrances.

1 Le Bateleur

The D&G website states that Le Bateleur is intended for "a man who gets what he wants." If what this man wants is to smell like slightly spicy cardboard, then I must agree. Le Bateleur opens with some very generic aquatic notes coupled with standard woodiness stemming from cedarwood. Even the website doesn't attempt to identify those top notes, simply referring to them as "an aquatic heart." This lasts for about three minutes before breaking down into straight-up cardboard. Oh, I should mention that this fragrance is also intended for an "accomplished Mediterranean seducer." In my humble opinion, it has more in common with "The Situation", one of the Italian-American "guidos" on MTV's Jersey Shore. Despite the testosterone radiating from his fake-tanned, over-gelled body, The Situation has yet to achieve anything even vaguely resembling success with a woman.

I don't think you were quite what D&G was going for, Situation.

3 L'Imperatrice

D&G tells us that "for L'Imperatrice, life is a movie and she is its heroine." From this description you imagine an Old Hollywood style perfume, something with personality. L'Imperatrice is very pleasant, probably the most enjoyable of the five, but to declare it full of personality would be a stretch. It has a bit of a SweetTart vibe, with a watermelon note providing the sweetness and a kiwi note the tartness. A very nice fruity fragrance (the kiwi note was quite realistic), but still not quite of the caliber I would have expected from Dolce and Gabbana. L'Imperatrice would not be out of place in, for example, the Harajuku Lovers line.

6 L'Amoureux

L'Amoureux supposedly possesses the power to "[melt] the most cynical of hearts." Just off the top of my head, I'm pretty sure I can think of at least one cynical heart that failed to melt. Citrusy at the beginning with bergamot, generic "pink pepper" spiciness- not a terrible start. However, this fragrance soon becomes quite a bit sweeter than a men's fragrance has any right to be. You know, the guys really got the short end of the stick with this whole Fragrance Anthology thing. None of these fragrances seem to have been all that well thought out, but the two men's fragrances are particularly weak.

10 La Roue de la Fortune

Juicy Couture, is your legal team ready? I cannot think of a single valid reason that Juicy should not sue over "La Roue de la Fortune", which is a shameless clone of all three of Juicy's women's fragrances. La Roue de la Fortune begins its life as Couture Couture, the newest Juicy fragrance. This means that it smells like white grape juice. Suddenly the tuberose-and-patchouli combination rears its head, and at this point it is absolutely indistinguishable from the original Juicy Couture. Eventually it settles down into Viva La Juicy, which I have always found to be much too sweet. Of the five fragrances, La Roue de la Fortune undoubtedly has the most personality. It is also a total copycat and is so unbearably sweet that it somehow feels less elegant than the Juicy fragrances it emulates. The Juicy bottles are also much cuter, so I recommend buying the real thing.

18 La Lune

La Lune is far from the "perfect enigma" D&G would like you to believe it is. In fact, it is simply another copycat. After the pretty lily topnotes fade away after about five minutes, the tuberose note in La Lune makes it eerily similar to Velvet Tuberose, a fragrance from Bath and Body Works. This is not good news for D&G, but if you like La Lune, it's good news for you! Velvet Tuberose is all of $5.

Classic, hilarious Hillary: http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/palin-hillary-open/1087850/

2008 was a difficult year for me, queridos. While I now sing the praises of President Obama and his lovely family, during the primaries I was ferociously pro-Hillary. Of course I was disappointed when it became clear that we would not have a female president, but these days I think that the role of Madame Secretary suits her even better. Fun fact: Hillary was confirmed in February of 2009. By October, she had already visited over 30 countries as secretary of state*. Condoleezza Rice visited 83 over her entire career**.

But anyway, every morning of 2008 I would walk into my very liberal Jewish high school and be taunted with "Obama won [insert state here]!", and eventually, "Why doesn't she just drop out now?" I would defend her honor as best I could, then curl up in my various Clinton 2008 apparel and tell myself that they just didn't know Hillary like I did.

Hillary, your true colors are beautiful, like a raiiiinbow

Back in 2008 I was often told that Hillary was "manipulative", "scheming", "a frigid bitch", etc. When people first said these kinds of things to me I was nothing short of shocked. It had honestly never occurred to me that there could be people who did not like Hillary Clinton. I had always found her so delightful, this passionate, devastatingly intelligent force of nature. In the fantastic movie Dogma, The Metatron (God's messenger) describes God as "lonely, but funny!" I have always thought that this description fit Hillary peculiarly well.

Hillary is known to wear Thierry Mugler Angel, created in 1992 by Oliver Cresp. To understand why this is hilarious, you need to know a little bit about Angel. Angel was the very first modern gourmand, a fragrance category describing perfumes that smell edible (and by "edible", I mean that gourmands smell like a dessert, not like a steak). It was monstrously successful, and there is a very good reason that I use the word "monstrous". Angel is scary. It smells like a giant fell into a vat of patchouli, then ate an entire Godiva store. It goes through a very brief apricot phase before settling down into cotton candy. If I have not made it clear enough, Angel is teeth-destroyingly sweet and WMD-levels of strong. No need to worry about North Korea, you guys! Just make sure they know how many bottles of Angel we have here in the US. They wouldn't dare try anything.

Angel is absolutely perfect for Hillary in two ways. First, while Angel may be sweet, it is also a very, very powerful fragrance, spectacularly ballsy. I imagine that Angel's cojones appeal to Hillary, as her own (metaphorical) set is much bigger than most mens'. Second, people often forget that Hillary has a very, very good sense of humor. Angel is the olfactory equivalent of her famous cackle. As deliciously trashy as an episode of America's Next Top Model, so sugary (some would say sickeningly) sweet that Thierry Mugler once declared it should inspire one to "devour the person you love"***, Angel is about as far from Hillary's "frigid bitch" public persona as possible. Can you really imagine Hillary, in her full headband-and-pantsuit glory, smelling like cotton candy? It's as incongruous as Marilyn Monroe wearing the somewhat frumpy Chanel No 5, and just as genius.

Disclaimer: I received a humongous sample of Angel by asking the lady at Nordstrom to give me one. I will never, ever, ever need this much Angel in my life.

*http://www.vogue.com/feature/2009_December_Jonathan_Van_Meter_Profile_of_Hillary_Clinton/

**http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Condoleezza_Rice%27s_tenure_as_Secretary_of_State

*** "Pretty: The Nylon Book of Beauty"

The Perfume of Feminists

Hola, queridos! The other day I braved the Baltimore Sephora just to test new perfumes for you. You guys, the Baltimore Sephora is a very scary place. The saleswomen are mad grumpy and very unknowledgeable and they get even grumpier when it becomes clear that you know more about their products than they do. Then they glare at you like they JUST KNOW that you are about to steal their precious perfume about which they are completely unknowledgeable. Sephora in general seems to be having some problems with people stealing perfume, as all of the perfume is now kept behind plastic boxes, but come on, lady. Am I really going to risk some jail time for a bottle of Paris Hilton's finest?

The answer is no, Baltimore Sephora lady. The answer is no.

Anyway, so while I was at the Baltimore Sephora, I was looking mostly at the new releases. Marc Jacobs Lola? ADORABLE bottle, but the perfume itself was completely unimpressive. The new Ed Hardy perfume? Finally, I can achieve my long-cherished dream of smelling like Jon Gosselin.

Eau de I hope you can afford the therapy costs for eight children.

And then there was the new Kim Kardashian perfume. Y'all, I am ashamed to tell you that I actually could not bring myself to smell this. Does everyone here understand why Kim Kardashian is famous? I will tell you.

Kim Kardashian is famous for three things. The first is for being the daughter of attorney Robert Kardashian, the man who got O.J. Simpson off the hook for (I have been advised to add the word ALLEGEDLY here) killing his wife and her alleged boyfriend. O.J. Simpson is HER GODFATHER, you guys. The second is for having a sex tape. The third is for being bootylicious. Perhaps I have not made this particularly clear, but I am very much a rabid feminist. As in, you will contract rabies if I bite you. I went to two Hillary rallies while she was still in the running, and I have very, very strong opinions on why women such as Kim Kardashian and Jessica Simpson- two very pretty and entertaining women who have more in the way of boobs than brain cells- are destroying feminism. Yeah, I said it.

OH MY GOD, KARDASHIAN. PUT IT AWAY.

Ladies, you do not need to be a porn star. You do not need to have a sex tape. You do not need to play dumb. The kind of men that you attract with this behavior are not the kind that you should want. Are Kim Kardashian and Jessica Simpson happily married? Far from it, and by the way, both women turn 30 this year. Not a week goes by that the tabloids don't cheerfully report on how Jessica just got dumped by John Mayer or Tony Romo or some other nogoodnik. You guys. We have J. Lo, Beyonce, and that stripper chick that Kanye West insists on dating to satisfy our national appetite for bootyliciousness. We do not need Kim Kardashian. Let her go.

Much like Cinnabons and Indiana Jones, the original is still the best.

The point to what seems to have turned into a very long rant is that I tested many new perfumes at the Baltimore Sephora and was unimpressed by the vast majority of them. However, exactly one new perfume line did stand out to me. They're actually not exactly new, having been out for two years or so, but just go with it. I'm referring to the Harajuku Lovers line, 5 perfumes created by Gwen Stefani. Now, I am very much down with Gwen. Anyone who sings a cover of "If I Were A Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof is pretty much my hero. I also think that Gwen is a far better role model for girls than the women I mentioned above. She writes fantastic music (including the girl power anthem, "Just A Girl"), shows off her great style rather than her sexuality, got married BEFORE having kids, and has an adorable and highly successful clothing/accessories/perfume line. Are you taking notes, Kardashian?

From the "Rich Girl" music video. Because if Gwen Stefani were a rich girl, she would be a pirate. I think that we can all agree that is awesome.

Now, onto the perfumes themselves. I did try all five, and I am very happy to review them all at some point, but frankly this review has become considerably longer than I had intended. For this reason, I will only discuss the best one, which is called "G" and is meant to represent Ms. Stefani herself. First of all, the bottle is the cutest thing that I have ever seen in my life. Words cannot do it justice: you'll just have to see the picture.

See? See? So freaking cute! The other four perfumes are housed in equally cute bottles, but G is the only one of the five where what's inside the bottle is anywhere near as nice as the outside. G is a very, very enjoyable combination of coconut and apple skin. There are other notes (mandarin orange, freesia, sandalwood) but those are the only two that I can smell. The apple skin note is unexpected and adds a lovely freshness to the very milky-smelling coconut. G is pretty much the opposite of sophisticated, but it smells great and would be perfect for lying on the beach in the summertime.

Now, about the pricing. G is currently only available in 1 ounce bottles that cost $45. To put this in perspective, 1.2 ounces of Chanel No. 5 costs $50. $45 is quite unreasonable for a simple little perfume like G. HOWEVER. Every winter and summer, the very wise Ms. Stefani repackages these perfumes in the appropriate seasonal apparel (bikinis for the summer, big jackets for the winter... and you thought those bottles couldn't get any cuter!) and sells them in 10 ml bottles (one third of an ounce). Since G is best suited to warmer weather anyway, I recommend holding off until the summer.

Do you see those flowers in her hair??? I can't handle the cuteness!

The Perfume of Royalty

Queridos, do you know the story of Rita Hayworth? Before Jessica Alba, before Penelope Cruz, before Salma Hayek, there was Rita Hayworth, a stunning and talented Spanish actress/dancer from the 1940's. Hollywood had no place for Latinas in Rita's time; she, along with the equally fascinating Mexican actress Dolores Del Rio, helped to pave the way for the beautiful women that I mentioned above.

Well, maybe except for Ms. Jessica "Don't Call Me Hispanic" Alba. Jess- may I call you Jess? Great- what exactly are you trying to accomplish by saying things like, "As a third-generation American, I feel as if I have finally cut loose [from her Mexican heritage]"? Listen, lady. You're not exactly Meryl Streep. Hell, you're not even a Jessica Biel. You have one thing and one thing only going for you, and that is your looks. And I hate to tell you this, sweetheart, but your admittedly impressive looks owe an awful lot to those Mexican roots that you try so hard to hide. That white-girl impression you're doing in the following picture is sad and frankly scary. Rita Hayworth didn't bust her butt fighting Latino stereotypes so that you could act a fool.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT, Y'ALL. Blue contacts?? Really, Alba?

Where were we? Rita Hayworth defined the word "Bombshell"- a poster of Miss Hayworth was stuck onto the first nuclear bomb to be tested after World War Two. Rita famously said, "Whatever you write about me, don't make it sad." As much as I wish that I could respect her wishes, what I have to tell you about her life is very sad indeed. Despite her indisputable sex appeal, Rita was divorced five times; four out of the five divorces were filed on the grounds of "cruelty", both mental and physical. Her biography, "If This Was Happiness: A Biography of Rita Hayworth", alleges that she was sexually abused as a child by her father. Why do I bring up Rita Hayworth today? Rita was known to wear Lanvin Arpège, the complex and sensual perfume that I will be reviewing today. Like the legendary Hayworth, Arpège projects a sex appeal that is devastating in every sense of the word.

Much like Chanel Coco, Arpège begins by giving us the grand tour of Jasmine City (with brief stopovers in Rose Town and Geranium Village). There are, however, substantial differences between the two perfumes. Where Coco can be loud and borderline garish (very much an '80s perfume), Arpège is extremely soft. Where Coco seduces with a bold laugh that can be heard across the room, Arpège seduces with a whisper. If Coco were Victoria's Secret, all padding and push-ups, Arpège would be a more sophisticated, high-end brand like La Perla. Eventually, the jasmine transitions into lily of the valley and sandalwood. At this point you look up from all that La Perla and realize that Arpège also has a very lovely face. The base is extremely appealing, pure sandalwood all the way down.

I am honestly not a huge fan of jasmine and have never really understood why it is considered a "sexy" note in perfues. In Arpège, I concede that the jasmine is very sexy indeed. Despite all of this sexiness, Arpège remains very tasteful. Rita Hayworth was famous for refusing to do nude scenes in her movies; Arpège has a similar seductive-but-not-revealing quality. You'd never catch Arpège cavorting about on a pole like Miley Cyrus.

Miley, do the words "role model" ring a bell? No? Okay then.

As smitten as I am with Arpège, I do not frequent it. This may be because I associate it with beautiful women who led undeservedly tragic lives (Princess Diana also wore it). Regardless, Arpège is a magnificent perfume, one worthy of the royalty who wore it.

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year, queridos! I hope that your New Years involved champagne and was more exciting than mine. I'm not really sure how that's possible, considering that I went to a "pirate show" with my parents, little brother, grandparents, and cousins. Actually, the six packs on those pirates were so impressive that it might as well have been a Chippendale's show. And from this point onward, that is how we are going to say that I spent New Year's Eve.

Oh, Orlando. You can shiver my timbers anytime.

Anyway, y'all, although I know (desperately hope) that in the future there will be more of you, at the present time I have exactly one reader who is not my mother. I love this girl deeply, but it has also come to my attention that she does not wear perfume, and therefore she has trouble relating to many of the perfume related posts. I love perfume. I love the clever tricks that perfumers employ to create new and pleasing combinations of notes; I love the nuances. However, I fully understand that for many people, perfume has no nuances. A perfume either smells good or it doesn't. It is for my beloved solitary reader that I will try to explain the world of perfume in terms of a field with which most people much more familiar: literature.

For example, a perfume like Aquolina PINK freakin' SUGAR is the olfactory equivalent of the Twilight series- insanely popular for absolutely no good reason.

Actually, I just thought of one VERY good reason.

Chanel Coco Mademoiselle and Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue (both of which have been bestsellers for over five years) have more in common with the Harry Potter series- just as popular, but more deserving of their success.

Oliver Wood, the Gryffindor quidditch coach. The actor who plays him is named Sean Biggerstaff. The joke here should write itself.

Along this vein, there are perfumes such as Robert Piguet Fracas, which has been worn by everyone from Marilyn Monroe to Madonna to Martha Stewart. I can appreciate that Fracas is a great classic, but whenever I try to wear it I get the distinct feeling that I am being mugged by a gardenia. I got a very similar feeling when I had to read Jane Eyre in 10th grade, except instead of a gardenia my mugger was the stupidest book of all time.

Jane, that Mr. Rochester is nothing but trouble!

Why don't you marry that nice cousin of yours? You know, the priest.

No? Okay then.

Also, what is UP with those BROWS, lady??

Perfumes such as Chanel No. 5 and Guerlain Shalimar can be likened to "The Great Gatsby," a book that is both widely beloved and a masterpiece (and one of my personal favorites, if you hadn't figured it out yet). Those "Warm Vanilla Sugar" body splashes you can get at Bath and Body Works correspond to guilty pleasure reading, like trashy romance novels or (in my case) JHU Confessions, the Gossip Girl of Johns Hopkins. It is incredibly sad how addicted I am to this website, but how else would I know whether Hopkins students prefer "an Ugly who's awesome in bed or a Cutie who's totally lacking"? (General consensus is the Cutie, if there was ever any doubt in your mind.)

There are books, such as pretty much anything that Allen Ginsberg (author of the incredible but frankly depressing poems "Howl", "Kaddish", and many others) ever wrote, which I find fascinating but too disturbing to read all that often. Creed Love in Black is a good perfume match for these kinds of books. It evokes a patch of violets growing in a forest where dark things lurk.

Finally, we have the books that we read over and over again, our favorites, the ones that changed the way we see the world. A few of mine are: The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley, Woman Hollering Creek by Sandra Cisnernos, Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys, and my absolute favorite of all time, Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman. These books correspond to the perfumes that we wear every day, with which we and others identify ourselves. Mine are Bond No. 9 New Haarlem, Frederic Malle Lipstick Rose, and Chanel No. 5. My hope is that even if perfume plays no role in your life now, reading this blog will help you to see it as a form of art just like a painting or a symphony.

By the way, y'all, I forgot to mention that the FTC (Federal Trade Commission) has guidelines concerning blogger endorsements. Basically, if a company sends me free samples or pays me money to write a good review, I have to let you know. All of the perfumes that I have reviewed thus far I have either bought from Sephora or tested in stores. But in the immortal words of Biggie, "I gotta let it show, I love the dough". I am a college student who does not currently have any time to work and therefore has no source of income. If a company did send me free samples or something to review, I would not turn them down. However, I can promise you this: I will never write a review that a product does not deserve. Pink Sugar has no glowing reviews in its future no matter how much money Aquolina tries to throw at me. (Although they're certainly welcome to try.)

What was Josh Duhamel Even Famous For Again?

Merry Belated Christmas, my dear readers! I hope that your Christmases were filled with joy and all-American values. As for myself, I took part in the time-honored Christmas tradition of Jewish families going to the movies because nothing else is open. I saw "Nine", a musical, which I liked quite a bit, although if you ask me Kate Hudson was totally unnecessary, because frankly that woman is obnoxious. I understand that apparently her mother Goldie Hawn was very charming, but as far as I am concerned the only child of a celebrity who is in any way tolerable is Sean Astin, mostly because he autographed my copy of "The Goonies".

It looks pretty much like this, except for the part where SEAN ASTIN AUTOGRAPHED IT.

Anyway, I bring up Nine because one of the characters had some pretty fierce makeup action going on. Check up on it:

Hmmm, that's actually not exactly the look I was thinking of, Fergie-Ferg, although I did very much enjoy your performance as the town prostitute. It seems only fitting, considering that your husband Josh Duhamel is currently being accused of adultery by/with a number of strippers. FOR SHAME, JOSH DUHAMEL.

Wipe that smirk off your face, you shmuck.

Not that many people know this about me, but I have a somewhat unreasonable love of Fergie-Ferg. This has become sort of an issue with my boyfriend. We'll be in the car, listening to the radio, and a Fergie song will come on. Delighted, I turn the volume up and start singing. He changes the station. I change it back. He changes it again, a little more forcefully. This usually ends with at least one of us in tears.

The main reason for my love is the story of the now-legendary concert where Fergie peed her pants onstage. Let's face it, folks, that is really nothing short of awesome. And to continue to perform even after that? Talk about dedication, which apparently is a concept that her HUSBAND doesn't undestand. SPEAKING OF YOU, JOSH DUHAMEL, Sarah Ferguson is a SAINT. I would go so far as to call her the MOTHER TERESA OF OUR TIME. Feel free to quote me on that one, Ferg. Do not phunk with her heart, Josh Duhamel, or else you will no longer be mixing your milk with her coco puffs, because her lovely lady lumps are in very high demand, if you know what I mean, WHICH I THINK YOU DO. Also, please stop making Fergie so depressed that she makes terrible music. "Meet Me Halfway" is bloody awful. It's like her throat has been comfort eating.

Anyway, the real makeup inspiration in Nine was to be found on the very lovely and talented Marion Cotillard. She was working a modified Audrey Hepburn, meaning a relatively thin cat eye combined with strong brows and pink lips. Observe:

So elegant! So classy! I'm inspired, dear readers, and I will probably be (attempting to) work a similar look in the upcoming weeks. If you're interested in trying it out yourself, I highly recommend the Lancome Artliners. These are the best liquid liners on the market. However, they are vastly expensive at $29, and the liquid liner look can also be a bit harsh at times.

For these reasons, I also recommend trying gel liners, such as Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Gel Eyeliner (extremely high quality, wide range of colors, $21) or Stila Smudge Pots (much bigger size than Bobbi's, so you're getting more for your money, $20). Both of these are very good; I have worn both brands in the sweltering heat of Israeli summer and had no problems with smudging. Oh, Lancome also has a new line of gel liner, but I do not recommend anything to my readers that I have not tried myself. Gel liners can take a little work to get used to, but the end result is beautiful and looks a bit more modern than liquid liner.

Edit: I am currently trying the Kat Von D Tattoo Liner, which is available at Sephora for $18. Like the Artliners, it has a felt tip. I have had no issues with it. However, the Tattoo Liner actually only contains 0.02 ounces of product, while the Lancome eyeliner contains 0.04. So to get the same amount of product as the Lancome eyeliner, one would actually have to spend $36. If you do not wear liquid liner all that often, then 0.02 ounces may be plenty.

Brunette Readers: I promise I will stop alienating you after this post

We'll be talking about blondes again today. You've probably heard of the movie "The Seven Year Itch." That's the one where the famous picture of Marilyn Monroe with her white dress blowing up in the wind comes from. The name of Marilyn's character in that movie is "The Girl." Maybe she has a name, maybe she has a story, maybe she has something to offer, but no one really cares. All she's allowed to be is "The Girl", a beautiful object onto which others can project what they will. So maybe we're not exactly talking about blondes, but more about women who play "The Girl." It just so happens that a disproportionate number of these women happen to be blonde. "The Dumb Blonde" is just "The Girl" wearing a blonde wig.

Serena van der Woodsen and her many predecessors, including Elle Woods, Daisy Buchanan, and Marilyn Monroe, are examples of beautiful women of great intelligence and substance who frequently played dumb because it was what everyone wanted, because it was easy. Daisy said it best in her famous line from "The Great Gatsby": "That's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool." So maybe playing "The Girl" is a betrayal of yourself. It's not like anyone was particularly interested in the "real you" anyway. Marilyn always aspired to be a more "serious" actress, but her more dramatic roles (in movies such as "The Misfits" and "River of No Return") were never nearly as successful as the dumb blonde characters that made her rich, famous, and miserable.

Perhaps you think that Daisy's prophecy might be outdated in a world of Hillary Rodham Clintons and Tina Feys. (BTW, let it be known that I absolutely worship Hillary and fully intend to do a review on her favorite perfume, the ballbusting Angel by Thierry Mugler, sometime soon.) If so, please consider Daisy's modern-day equivalent, Serena. Serena's best friend, Blair Waldorf, is a bit of a Hillary. She's undeniably intelligent, a bit prickly, and the top student at their prestigious high school. Blair has one, all-consuming dream: Yale University. Serena, on the other hand, is considered to be less of an intellectual and more of the lovable whore-next-door. Which one do you think gets into Yale? If you answered "Blair", you have not been listening very closely.

Oh, Blair. So close, yet so far.

Ever since Marilyn Monroe answered "Just a few drops of Chanel No. 5, of course" to the question of what she wore to bed, she has been the person most closely associated with the world's most famous perfume. However, Marilyn's answer has always been a complete mystery to me. Created in 1921 by Ernest Beaux, Chanel No. 5 is many things- fresh, slightly powdery, golden in personality- but it is absolutely not sexy. Why would Marilyn, whose sex symbol persona endures almost 50 years after her death, have worn a perfume that is so resolutely unseductive? Perhaps her seemingly incongruous perfume choice gives us a glimpse at the person behind the persona. Maybe No. 5 spoke to who Marilyn really was behind the makeup and the body. Of course it's just a theory, but if it were true, then Marilyn's inner self would have been radiant indeed.

Beaux, the perfumer behind No. 5, is said to have been inspired by the fresh smell of the lakes in the Arctic Circle (where he was stationed in World War I). The result is a perfume that evokes a bright sun shining down on these lakes, a warm, golden scent that also somehow smells pure and hopeful. No. 5 is an extremely comforting smell, and I imagine it is this cozy, reassuring aspect that endeared it to Marilyn, who had a notoriously troubled childhood and struggled with schizophrenia and an addiction to prescription drugs as as an adult. Finally we come to the dark side of playing "The Girl." Is Marilyn alive today to enjoy her enormous fame? No. She committed suicide at the age of 36, alone in the bathroom.

I own two bottles of No. 5- a small bottle of vintage parfum from my mother and the Eau de Toilette. Although I know that the parfum is very valuable, I don't wear it as often. It has a very strong indolic jasmine note that I don't much care for. By the way, "indolic" is a synonym for "fecal". You learned a new word today! Wearing No. 5 reminds me that the easy way does not always end well. That there is great danger in allowing oneself to be defined by others, and that it is critical to have a strong sense of self. Actually, I just remembered a very concrete connection between Serena and Marilyn. Last episode, when Maureen, the married congressman's wife, was trying to convince Serena to be the congressman's mistress, she said, "I'll be Jackie and you'll be Marilyn." Serena's refusal made me the proudest I've been of her all season.

Maureen, I served with Jackie Kennedy, I knew Jackie Kennedy, Jackie Kennedy was a friend of mine. Maureen, you're no Jackie Kennedy.